Recently, I found myself in a situation I have been in many times over the years. I was the heaviest I had ever been. I couldn’t face the thought of going on another diet and yet I hated myself as I was. I didn’t know what to do …….
I looked back over the years and thought about how I felt about myself at different times in my life.
I realised that even when I was at my lowest adult weight I still felt fat. I weighed 10 stone 4lbs (144lbs / 65kg) but the weight charts at that time said I should weigh 9 stone 7lbs (133lbs / 60kg). I felt big and ungainly, but no matter what I did, even starving myself, the number on the scales wouldn’t go down. I now realise it was because I was at the optimum weight for my body at that time.
As I thought more about my weight gains and losses over the years I realised that whenever my weight was going up or wasn’t what I thought it should be, I felt fat, ashamed, embarrassed, a failure, lacked confidence, dressed in dark, loose, baggy clothing to hide the rolls of fat, hated going out and became depressed.
However, when I was losing weight I felt great! I felt successful, confident, happy, in control, I wore colourful clothing which showed off my figure, did my hair and makeup, loved going out and doing things, I believed I could conquer the world!
I then realised something very strange. When my weight was going up I was depressed with the number on the scale, but when my weight was going down, the scales would show exactly the same number and I would feel great!
Think about it. The number on the scales was the same, I was wearing the same size clothes as I did when I was that weight going up, so I must have looked the same, but it was how I thought about myself which made the difference!!
This was a real light bulb moment for me. I finally realised it wasn’t what I weighed that affected how I felt and what was happening in my life, but it was my perception of what effect my weight would have on my life which truly reflected my reality.
When my weight was going up I neglected my appearance, I didn’t like myself, let alone love myself and this is what made people respond to me in the negative way they did. It was my attitude, not my weight, people were reacting to, but because of my mind set, their response reinforced my belief that they didn’t like me was because I was fat.
Conversely, when my weight was going down and I felt good about myself, I took care with my appearance, was happy, smiley and interested in other people and this is what people responded to.
It was like the sun had come out! Suddenly my weight wasn’t a factor in how good or bad my life was. I finally loved my true self.
Within weeks, my life changed dramatically……
The first thing I noticed was that after 20 years of being single and not being asked on a single date, “because men don’t like fat women”, I had men asking me out right, left and centre! It was unbelievable. I was the heaviest I had ever been, nothing had changed except the way I felt about myself.
My weight doesn’t depress me anymore, I am happy. I believe in myself.
I am doing so many different things, things I had told myself I would do “when I was thin” or things I had stopped myself doing “because I was too fat”
I have discovered LIFE!
I have also found the courage to reach out to other women, women like you, to share my experiences and to help you to create a life you love.
If you would like to learn to love yourself, no matter what the scales say, then click here to read my next blog.